apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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