where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Is Oprah even human
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
