New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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