just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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