I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
