I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
