the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
