I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
