I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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