Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
