if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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