I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Is Oprah even human
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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