I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
