i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
