I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
