I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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