I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
