My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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