this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
