i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The struggles of a small town man whore
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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