Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
