I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
