When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
