my phone needs a breathalizer
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
