you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
