You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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