And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
