My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
