so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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