I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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