she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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