he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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