Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Randomize
