Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
