Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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