Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
