My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
