God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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