I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
