you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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