Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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