I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
