Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
