There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
