Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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