Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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