saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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