when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
