Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
