As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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